Dear Self (September 29, 2024)

Dear self. When I was younger they told me to grow up. They told me to get my head out of the sky, out of the stars that used to spin around me. Now I am old, now they tell me to calm down, now they tell me that I worry too much, now they tell me to be more like a child! 

So which is it world?! Because now I stand facing you bitter and angry, forgotten and alone. So which is it world because I am here and I am miserable to be alive!  I used to dream of the universe, I used to dream of the stars and I used to dream of a world that spun around me. I used to dream of everything and anything in the world that was open, that was free with everything that I could ever have dreamed it to be. 

They told me to grow up.  they told me I wasn't good enough, they told me dreams don't pay the bills,  they told me that dreams aren't enough to live.  but they were the only thing that made me want to live. They were the reason to stay alive, the sun onto my earth. Now the sun has been ablated by the apathy of my own mistakes. By allowing myself to listen to the fools and the arrogant. Those who gave up on their own dreams and so just wanted to see the rest of us become sad and miserable just like them. I hope you are happy with yourself, because your greatest truth, and weakest lie succeed. I bought every word.

Dear self,  the people around me tell me it won't be like this forever. They tell me there's an end. But how do I believe them! I sit here staring at the window watching the world pass me by because I was never good enough to step outside into it. I got up one day and stepped outside just to have the brutal reality that the rest of the lies created.

Because even though they told me to grow up they told me to let go of the dreams  I held onto them, I knew that I never could. And so I never did and never learned to grow up and never  learned to manage my own emotions I never learned how to control what was outside, and so it destroyed me. I never learned that there was anything other than what existed inside my mind.

So  tell me dear self where it end.  the voice of death sounded so sweet in my ear that I just wanted it to end it. I just wanted all that to fade away into the black.  am I writing this letter to myself or am I writing it death. I was never able to let go.  So where does that leave me? Never truly alive, and never truly dead despite the fact I have been gone for years. 

It leaves me standing here wondering what might be the end of my life questioning every decision and every moment that ever led up to this knowing that I can't misunderstand knowing that every single thing that I've done could have changed the way this comes to an end. 

So dear self What do I do now that the dreams are gone,  I woke up and all I'm left with this reality that I want nothing more then to just leave behind.  I should have listened to them. I should have grown up when I had the chance.  But without those dreams, without those stars in my mind, I never would have made it here. Without me, the dreams die, without me the worlds I created in my mind disappear. I couldn’t let them down. I couldn’t die. I survived for them all of this time, so now that the dreams are gone, what am I left with. 

I sit here with this funny feeling called guilt. Out of the back of my mind I see everything that I could have been and everything that I could still be. But it is like sitting at the bottom of a mountain with both of my legs broken, knowing that things will be better at the peak but knowing that I can never, will never make it there. 

So what does that leave me with, to sit here in hopelessness and disappear? Hear me universe, hear me greater power. I sit here screaming into the black void, watching on as my mind collapse onto itself like black holes into the endless depths of eternity. 

Dear self, I have come so far. I don’t think I can quit, too much time has passed, I have poured too much of myself into this to leave it behind. So much of myself that I am not sure where I end and that which I created begans. It all blends into together, what is the reality that I perceive, and the reality that I am supposed to exist in?

Where is this leading? What was even the point of it? Of myself, of my work, of all of the things that I have done? Do they really even matter. I can feel my eyes growing heavy, I can feel that the darkness is coming, My will is breaking. My will, the thing that has kept me going all of this time. 

My will for survival, for something more. My will has acted like a wall, keeping the armies of death, and depression at bay, slipping away like the light into the endless darkness of the abyss. So what happens next, when does this nightmare end, when does it all get to start over?  

Yet. I can’t help but see that light a the end of this long tunnel. Like a flower waiting to bloom under the snow. I can feel, I know it is There. I just need to wait for it to come,  patience is my greatest foe here.  the quality that I lack.

 it is time that I fear,  it is time that has beaten me grind me, defeated me.  but it is also time that fickle mistress that is my only hope,  time that leaves me sitting here waiting.  time and hope together,  what a dangerous combination.

 what a thing to be feared, fools have wasted life times on time and Hope.  the here I think pondering,  am I a fool.  because that hope that little light inside,  that it might come to an end that this period in my life might Flip by and be forgotten for  persits.

 because if it all comes crashing down now,  if a light goes out now,  what made the future hold?  so much time so much after summer to life could just be gone. because of one mistake. Where does that leave me, dear self. I hope you know.