What is Love? (May 10, 2021)

I was walking down the street when a man grabbed me by the arm. The rain continued to sprinkle down around us in the dark street. I immediately yanked away, slapping at the man's hand and wrestling well yelling, “get away!” The man did not let go. The man's grip was neither painful nor soft. 

The man's dress was neither ragged, nor fancy, it was unremarkable. His eyes weren’t warm, but not cold either. They were just sad. He held on, as I continued to push away. He looked at me and asked, “do you know what love is?” 

Disturbed, I shoved away harder and he let go. Water splashed around, I began backing away, not taking my eyes off him. He didn’t move, he just asked, “please tell, please help me, do you know what love is?” 

I ran away, I ran home. Home was quiet. It was just me, I snuck in the back door of the house. I had three other roommates and they were probably sleeping. I got ready for bed and trying to push off the experience of the day. I finally slipped into an unrestful sleep. 

I got up in the morning, and got ready. I didn’t look at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I just brushed my teeth and combed my hair. I got out of the house just as my other roommates were starting to wake up. 

I was about half way to work when I stopped, I froze to face the building. The man, the man from last night stood leaning against the building as if he had been waiting for me. 

I would have shrieked if this had been late at night again. But we were surrounded by people. The man took a step closer to me. I didn’t move, I needed to get rid of this creep. The man looked me slowly up and down. 

Then he shook his head and glanced away. “I’m sorry. I hate myself. I don’t know anything, no one has ever cared.” The man looked less threatening then he had the night before, now he just looked tired. 

“Leave me alone you creep.”

He looked me in the eyes. “I should. But I can't. I need your help. Please help me.” The man looked like he was begging now. I turned around and began hurting away. But I heard him call after me. “I don’t know what it is, how does someone know if anyone loves them?”

I continued on to work, hopping that the man would just leave me alone. Work was another very long day. Problem after problem kept coming up, I had the time to fix them, but not the will. 

By mid afternoon I was sitting at the conference table and just resting my head in my hands. Finally I closed the laptop screen after I had been staring at it for over 15 minutes without tapping a single key. 

I walked down the hallway, and opened the bathroom door. I splashed water into my face and grabbed a paper towel to wipe it away. “You look almost as bad as I feel.”  the

I gasped and turned, the man who had been stalking me was standing in the bathroom. “Who the hell are you!?” The man looked exhausted and gaunt. He wore nicer clothes then he had. 

“Do you even care?” 

I was to scared and confused to even call for help. So instead my mind still spinning, I blurted out, “care about?”

The man titled his head. “Your job, your friends, any of it? I mean, I’ve asked you repeatedly if you can tell, if you can help to know what love is.  So tell me, do you even care?”

“I think so? Why are you following me. Just leave me alone!” 

“I can’t. I can’t do it.” He said. 

The man took a step forward.

“Help!” I yelled and looked around, “Help!” I stumbled back and closed my eyes as the man advanced forward. I heard someone running, as I fell over. The bathroom door burst up, I heard it swing open again. I opened my eyes as someone grabbed my shoulders and asked

“What happened, are you okay?” He helped me to my feet as I looked around. 

“Some guy has been stalking me. He was in this bathroom. I can’t get him to leave alone.” 

“Are you alright? Do you want me to call the cops, or security?”

What I wanted to say was ‘yes, of course. Call the police, help me I'm scared.’ Instead I brushed myself off and said “no, if he shows up again I will call the police. I am fine.” 

“Are you sure? I mean, we should at least report it.”

“No, no we shouldn’t. I will be fine.”

The rest of the day dragged by, but I didn’t see the man. I walked home, constantly looking over my shoulder, but he was nowhere to be seen. I got back home, my roommates greeted me. We ate dinner togather. 

After dinner one drifted off, the other two started watching a movie. I just went to my room. I wanted to be alone. So I got ready for bed and layed down, looking at the ceiling. For the first time I thought about the man's questions. 

“What is love?” 

Well, love was love right? But the more I thought about, the less I wanted to keep thinking about. Me and my roommates were friends, but we weren’t close. We joked and laughed but we never really talked about anything deep. Mostly we tried to stay out of each other's way. 

I was sure my family would say they loved me. But they lived far away. None of them even attended my college graduation. I am not sure either of my parents even knew the name of the company I worked at. Could that be love, could you still call it love even if the person knew nothing about you?

Well surly people who are married are in love right? I assumed so. But I had never been in a long term relationship. Not even so much as highschool girlfriend. I had been working throughout highschool, so the job and studying to keep my grades up had been more important than relationships. Plus not a lot of people really talked to me that much anyway. 

I guess I didn't really know.

I closed my eyes.

“So here we are again.” I sat bolt upright in bed, I didn’t think I had even fallen asleep yet, I had just almost been asleep. I looked around, the man was leaning up against a wall. 

I reached for my phone, my phone so I could call the police. But my phone was on the other side of the room. It was sitting on the dresser right next to the man. “I kill you.”

“No you won’t he answer.” 

“You broke in here, you don’t belong here. I will scream, I will yell,my roommates are close, they’ll hear me and come.”

“They would if you screamed, that might even come if you talked in a raised voice. So then why are you whispering?”

“I am not.” As the words left my mouth, I realized it just wasn’t true. I was whispering. But why, I should yell. But now, part of me, part of was interested to know what he wanted. “What do you want?”

“I’ve told you.” He said. “I want to know, how do you know what love is. How do you know if someone loves you, if they care about you, if you are loved?” 

I thought about, “well, I suppose if they ask about your day and actually mean it. You know how people are, they ask. But then don't actually care."

"When was the last time some asked you and meant it?"

"I don't remember. Why do you care anyway?"

"Is that really your bar for if someone loves you?"

"No, yes."

I stood up, and the man took a step forward. "What else?"

I knew I should bolt. But I didn't.

“Well, I guess if they actually know how and what you're doing.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, if someone actually cares enough to get to know the real you. Know what your really feeling and what’s really going on in your life. You don’t have to keep to keep secrets from them.

The mans eyes were watering now. “I don’t think I have anyone like that in my life. Does that mean I’m broken? Why do they all hate me? Is there anything else, how else do you know?”

“I think because your weird, I mean it’s creepy to stalk people and break into their homes.”

“You haven’t done either of those things.”

“Yeah I know.”

He interrupted me, “please tell me, is there any other way to know if someone, anyone, parents, friends, is there anyway to tell if they love you?”

“If.” I hesitated, “if they care.”

“How will you know if they care?” He asked.

“You just will.”

“I don’t think anyone cares about me then I don’t know the feeling your talking about. What’s wrong with me. No one cares, no one asks, why do I hate myself? Do they hate me as much as I do, is that why?”

The man shook, tears rolling down his face. For the first time I felt true pity for this man. Even if he had been stalking me, and harassing me, I felt bad for him. I walked over to him. He looked at me, I reached out my hand to put it on his shoulder. But before I did his hand came up to. Just before our hands met, mine hit glass. 

I looked into the man's eyes, he had a shocked expression. My shocked expression. I took a step back, and he took a step back. I sunk to the floor, and my reflection sunk to the floor as well. That night, the reflection in the puddle, then the reflection in buildings windows. The mirror in the bathroom at work, and now the  mirror in my own room.

No one had been stalking me. I had just been asking myself. The thing I had pushed away, I had pushed away so hard I had created a fake stalker came back. The questions the man had been asking, they were the things I wanted to know. 

“Why do they hate me? O God, help me. No one cares, no one cares.” I curled up into a ball, alone in the dark. I asked one last thing into the darkness. “What is love?”