When the Past Walks Home. Version Two. (February 11, 2022)

I walked down the sidewalk, the street was long but I was almost there. I was almost home? The word didn’t feel right. “Home?” I said it aloud. The word still did not sound right, was it even home anymore? I hadn’t lived there for years now, I had even so much sent a postcard. But nevertheless it was still the place I had grown up. 

It was supposed to be spring but the snowflakes biting into my face seemed to disagree with the weather stations. I stopped nearly at the end of the dead end block. I had reached the correct gate. I pushed it open and walked up to the front door. I stopped at the bottom step of the door.

I don’t know why I hesitated. I mean, I had been invited after all. But still, to be back at this place. This place I had been thrown out of so long ago. I had chosen my new family, I had chosen my daughter. I would never have made a different choice, but a small part of me still regretted what I had lost. 

I took a deep breath, walked up the few steps, and knocked. As I waited I pulled my coat closer around myself, mentally I was ready for the interaction that was about to come. Close to ten years I had been waiting to face my father. Right now it would finally happen. 

The door burst open.

“JACK!?” Jesse stood in the doorway. My shoulders slumped a little, I was a little relieved that the confrontation soon to come had been put off just a little longer. Jesse was dressed very casually today, sweater, leggings, and hair falling around her shoulders. 

“Hello Jesse.”

She took a step out of the door and closed it behind her. “What are you doing here?!”

“I wouldn’t miss your wedding for the world.” 

“But you two haven’t spoken in years. What are you going to do?” I had no idea what I was going to say. But I wasn’t about to tell her that, she would try and get me to write a whole speech. 

I cocked my eyebrow. “We talked two days ago. Remember, when you asked if I was going to be here?” 

She rolled her eyes and swore under her breath. “You know what I mean. You haven’t spoken to Dad.” I hadn’t, I hadn’t in years, but today would be the day we tried to fix that. That I finally took that first step across that massive gap between the two of us. 

“I don’t know. I guess I was about to find out.”

“Well, you weren’t supposed to be here for another three days. You can’t avoid Dad till’ the wedding, you know that right? Anyway where is Lily?” She looked past me as if expecting to see Lily behind me. She was not.

“She’ll be coming in three days. Her mother has her right now. Are you going to let me inside?” Lily, the girl who had started it all. The girl who had ruined my old life before she had even been born. Lily, the girl who was responsible for all of the best days of my life over the last ten years. 

Jesse grimaced and opened the door. I followed her inside and removed my shoes. This entryway had changed, not surprising since it had been a decade since I had been there. The paint was different, the floors different, but redone so long ago they already looked worn. As I followed Jesse into the kitchen I asked. “Where is Dad?”

“Out.”

“How helpful.” She hopped up onto the counter and I leaned on the opposite cabinets. “So then where is Grant? I expected the groom to be here as well.”

“He’s at work right now, even though he has the time off. Lily is now in high school isn't she? And how is San Diego?”

I looked around the kitchen. All the crosses and statues of the Virgin Mary were still in their same places. A stained glass window was still in place of a regular kitchen window just over the sink. If the entryway had changed, then the kitchen stood in defiance. It was exactly the same as it had been. 

“Warmer than Vermont, and thankfully not yet . . . God, this place hasn’t changed at all. I wonder if Dad has?” I hoped he had, I prayed he had. 

“You have.” I had, being a parent, working, having to take care of yourself, and your child did that to a person. 

“I would hope so. Speaking of, are you ever gonna get out of this place?” Jesse had always lived here. She had moved out to go to college, then back into this house for a few months. She had then moved out a few years ago and less than three miles away with her then boyfriend and now fiancé. 

“I don’t think so, and just because you hated living here, doesn’t mean we all did.”

“I didn’t say I hated it. I was just never invited back.” I retorted back. 

She jumped off the counter, angry now. “Damn it Jack! I missed you, your friends did too. Grandpa and Grandma do as well. You weren’t alone.” I seemed to remember the past very differently, because I felt very alone. 

I was angry now too. “Dad disowned me! Why the hell do you think I thought anyone else would be different?”

Jesse took a step forward, the anger in her voice ebbed. “No one expected you to go to college and get some girl in California pregnant and then never come back. My opinion of you never changed when you became a dad. I still loved you, I still do.”

“I’m sorry alright! But having your only parent call you a sinner and say he would never speak to again is not something you forgot easily. But it is something I am willing to forgive.”

“Does that mean you’re coming home?” She had a hopefulness in her voice that threatened to break me. 

“I don’t know. But I know I am willing to move on.”

At that moment, I heard the door open and a man called out. “Jesse’ who's here?!” Fear welled up inside me, the voice was older then I remembered it. But there was no doubt, that was my father's voice. 

I heard the cattlering as he came down the hall yelling again “Jesse you here?” Jesse looked at me and mouthed ‘what do I do?’

I looked over at her and shook my head. “Nothing.” I said. 

The old man walked in, he had a long beard, a shaved head, and cleanly dressed. He stopped in the doorway holding two grocery bags. He walked past us, put one in the fridge and the other on the counter. Then he walked over to Jesse, kissed her on the check, “hello dear.” Then he looked at me, his face unreadable. “Hello Jack.” And then he left heading towards the living room. 

Jesse let out a sigh of relief. I turned to her just a tad annoyed. “Why were you so neverious?” I demanded. 

She crossed her arms again, “well, if I am being honest I expected a lot more yelling.”

I lowered my head then looked out the stained glass window. “Ten years.” I pondered as I tried to think about it for a moment. Well that really had not lasted nearly as long as I had expected. “Hey Jesse do you want to get out of here?”

She shrugged, “where do you have in mind?”

“A bar preferably. Or we could always just go back to my hotel.”

She nodded, “I am just going to go grab my wallet and coat. How are we getting wherever we are going?” 

“Well I left my rental car at the hotel, so I hoped you would drive.”

“Okay, keys to.”

She turned around and left the kitchen going up stairs. I walked out of the kitchen back into the entryway. I heard the radio buzzing. I paused before continuing into the living room. My father sat there looking up at the ceiling. 

“Hello dad.”

He looked at me, “hello Jack. I didn’t realize you were going to be getting in so early.”

“Yeah. . .” I trailed off. He was acting like nothing had happened, like I had just come home from college. Like it had only been a few weeks since we had last spoken. 

“How is Lily?” He asked, as he leaned forward to turn down the radio. 

“She’s good. She’s doing well in school. Her Stephane has some family in Boston so she is flying in with Lily on Thursday then driving down there.”

Dad nodded, “very nice.”

Jesse came running down the stairs, she stopped and waved to dad. “Well dad we are heading out, see you tonight!” Then she looked at me and the two of us walked outside to her car. The two of us left and went to get dinner and catch up. 

The next day which was a Tuesday I went with Grant to go get his tux. I liked Grant, he was a good guy. He was a doctor, it was where he and Jesse had met. The day before he had been called back to the hospital because one of his patients wasn’t doing too well. 

Wednesday I hung around my hotel room answering the many emails I had been ignoring. I also walked through the town, which was almost exactly as I had remembered it, it was like stepping back in time. I walked down Main Street and stopped in some of the businesses along the way. 

No one recognized me until I reached the ‘family hardware store.’ I pushed open the door letting the memories wash over me, I inhaled that smell of freshly cut wood and metal. My friend Derek’s father had owned the store when I was kid. He still had when I had left. I walked up and down the isles. Although the products had changed, the layout of the store had not. 

I stopped when I heard someone call, “it can’t be?” 

I turned around to see an unfamiliar man with long hippy hair, and a thick curly beard wearing a blue apron. “Yes?” I asked. 

The man's eyes bulged, “it is! Don’t tell you don’t remember me Jack?”

“Derek?”

“WHO ELSE!” He walked forward and gave my hand a very strong shake. 

I laughed, “I never would have thought to see you here. You hated this place.”

He let go of my hand and stepped back looking me up and down, “I do. But it turned out this old store was a lot like women. Ya might hate em and wonder why the adults like me so much. But then grow up and learn why.”

“I guess so. So how is your dad doing?” I walked with Derek up to the front of the store where the cash register was. 

Derek shrugged, “he’s doing fine. Finally let me take over the business though. Boy I can’t wait till I own this place.”

“That’s fantastic!” I didn’t know what else to say as our conversation lapsed. 

“So I am assuming Jesse’s wedding brings you back to town?” He asked. 

“Yep.” I answered. 

“So are you talking to your Dad again?”

“I don’t know. Words are being exchanged but I don't think we are talking if you know what I mean.”

Derek nodded. “I do. Me and my old man could be like that sometimes. But I gotta know. Did the two of you really not talk for the entire time you’ve been gone?”

I nodded, “yep. Ten years. Not until yesterday had he said a single word to me.”

Derek sighed. “I’ve been meaning to tell you. . .” He trailed off. 

“What is it?” I asked, as I looked out of the window. The snow from yesterday had stuck for now. Although it was supposed to warm up tomorrow and reach the 60s by the wedding on Saturday. 

“I’m sorry.”

I snorted and leaned against the counter, it creaked and I felt the rough wood on my hands as I spoke. “For what? You didn’t do anything.”

“I did though. I always meant to reach out. I even got your new phone number from Jesse once. But by the time I finally ran out of excuses not to call, you had changed your number. I’m sorry. I know it can’t have been easy being in California all alone with a kid.”

“It wasn’t. And thank you. That means a lot.” Derek nodded as we both awakedly stood there. He clapped me on the shoulder. 

“Well, me and the guys are grabbing drinks from Boxers tonight at 7. You should swing by. We’ve all missed ya here. Tell us small towners about the big life in California.” I smiled and agreed then left to head back to the hotel.

At 6:48 I left the hotel and went to Boxers to go drink with my old friends. We laughed and remembered the old times. Most of them had their own families now. Jesse had been right, not that I would ever tell her that, my friends hadn’t forgotten me. They didn’t hate and after I explained why I did what I did and they even were a little shocked by what my father had done. 

I didn’t drink too much as I had a long drive tomorrow and had to get back to the hotel tonight. Most of my friends wives, and so they had been invited to Jesse’s wedding. So I said goodbye for now and returned to my hotel. 

I woke up, it was now Thursday, for the first half of the day it felt like waiting for paint to dry. But as the after noon reached that point at which it started to cross over into evening. I went to the house to pick up Jesse in my rental car, I didn’t talk to my father as he was out at the church. Then the two of us started the nearly hour long journey to the airport. 

We reached the airport in good time. Me and Jesse laughed as we waited for baggage claim and our passengers to arrive. Stephane came walking down holding Lily’s hand. I picked up and hugged Lily and then hugged her mother too.

We hadn’t ended things on bad terms, and at heart both of us just wanted what was best for Lily. Lily said goodbye to her mother as Stephane gave her one last kiss and went to go find her rental car. To my great delight, Lily had always been a daddy’s girl so she was sad to see her mom walk away, but not devastated. 

In the car ride back Jesse had always used the most effective tactic when getting someone to like you. Bribery. On the trips Jesse had taken to California she had always been a model aunt and had always made sure to bring presents with her. Today was no different. 

We made it back to town just as it was starting to get dark, and after one after a stop at the local 50s themed diner to get milkshakes. I dropped Jesse back off at home and me and Lily went to the hotel. After the long day she had, she fell instantly to sleep. I stayed up a little longer looking out the window wondering what I should do. But finally I went to sleep. 

Friday I walked around the town with Lily during the day. I told her about the place I went to school. But that evening was the final rehearsal dinner. Despite the fact neither me nor Lily were in the wedding proper. Both of us had been invited. 

The dinner was awkward as we were seated right next to my father. He attempted to talk to Lily. But it was very clear neither of them knew what to say to the other. And God bless her heart. Lily, despite the fact I had tried to hide my relationship with my father from her, hated him. She told me herself back at the hotel what a bad man he was. 

I was equal parts amused, proud, and deeply sad. No grandchild should ever feel that way about their grandparents. I tried to explain to her that things were different. He wasn’t a bad person. Maybe he had been a tad misguided. But I could reach her, and after the previous three days. My heart wasn’t it. We went to bed early as the wedding was tomorrow. 

The day of the wedding had arrived, I got up early and put on my suit. Then waited patiently for Lily to get up. The wedding wasn’t until 2:30, but Jesse had said to come by dad's house whenever we wanted. 

Lily finally got up, we went to eat breakfast before returning to the room. As it neared 11 I got Lily into her dress and did her hair. A feat that I had gotten very good at after hundreds of hours YouTube tutorials and years of trial and error. Five years ago I would have called Lily cute, or adorable. But as she reminded me constantly, she was almost ten now.

We headed off to the house. Cars lined the street and before I entered I knew it was going to be chaos. I was right the morning was a raucous affair with people running around the house. Finally at 12:30 I was asked to bring supplies to the church. I loaded the supplies and spent the next ten minutes looking for Lily. I finally found her and we went to the church. 

Because of the chaos of the morning. I didn’t realize until I had a box in my hands and someone was opening the door for me. That this was the first time I was entering this church building in ten years. 

I walked in, Lily holding another box and trailing behind. The sound of people walking, and talking, the smell of the candles, the carpet slipping under my feet. It brings back memories. The last time I had been here was when the church elders told me what an awful person I was, and how I needed to marry the mother of the child immediately. My ears filled with a rushing sound as all of sudden I felt light headed.

“Dad?”

The world returned, Lily was standing at my side. The world was as it should. I lifted my head high. “These boxes were for the back of the chairs.” I said with confidence as I entered the sanctuary. 

The wedding was a gorgeous affair. Jesse was stunning in her white dress. Although when the pastor, the same one I had always suspected talking my dad into disowning me officiated the wedding, my breath coat as my body grew warm. The ceremony ended and the new husband and wife took off in a limousine towards the reception hall.

It was at a park, surrounded by a nature preserve. Although this didn’t tell the whole story. The building for the banquet was beautiful with large sweeping wooden roofs and lights, the smell of pine and food filled the interior even through the thick wooden walls of the building. The wedding progressed as all weddings seemed to. The dinner, toasts, dancing, everyone getting drunker, more dancing. 

I had a mixed set of feelings as the father daughter dance took place. Dad had started talking to me, and had even made conversation this morning. But he really was just acting like the last ten years never happened. After the dance I hadn’t seen him at all. I sat at a table alone. Lily was off somewhere having fun on the dance floor. The room was getting warm, and between the food, the people, the pine, it was all a little overwhelming after awhile. 

I took off my jacket and made my way to the closest door. I stepped outside and took a deep breath of the fresh, cold air. I looked around as I leaned against the wall. Up on the small hill was a single massive oak tree. I started walking up the hill and towards the tree. The breeze was light tonight and blowing towards the park on the other side of the hill to the reception hall. 

I was almost at the tree when I saw the small red glow and could smell the cigarette on the opposite side, along with the cigarette was the shape of a man. “Who’s there?” The man asked, but the voice, that was once again my fathers voice.

I walked around the tree and stopped a few feet away from my father. He was looking up towards the branches of the trees and the stars poking out. “You don’t smoke.” I said?

“Maybe I have changed my mind son.” 

I blinked, my mind went blank as it tried to process what he just said. I tried to say something, anything, instead all that came out of my mouth was “huh?” 

He took another drag on the cigarette and blew out the smoke, the smell almost seemed overwhelming. And suddenly I was aware of just how cold the evening was. “Beautiful night tonight. Isn’t it?”

I finally regained my senses. “I’m sorry, what the hell?”

He sighed and put out the cigarette. It hissed as the hot tip made contact with the damp earth. “I acted rashly, and I kept acting that way for way too long. It is nice to have you here again and to finally see my granddaughter.” I stayed silent, waiting for him to continue speaking, to say sorry, but he didn't, he just kept looking up at the sky. 

“That's it?” I asked, “ten years of not speaking to me. Of making your granddaughter feel like a mistake. You weren't there when I had to explain to her that her grandfather would never see her because he believed she shouldn’t exist! You bastard, ten Goddamn years and all you have to say for yourself is ‘I acted rashly’ that's it?!” 

“What else do you want me to say?” He pulled out another cigarette and lit it. Throwing the burnt out match into the grass. 

“Try, I'm sorry? Or how about I screwed up? Or I regret what I did.”

He puffed on the cigarette. “I’m sorry. I don’t regret what I did. The only thing I regret is that I let this nonsense carry on too long. Your right, Lily didn’t deserve to be punished for your mistakes.”

“MY MISTAKES!” I roared. My lungs felt empty and my heart was pounding. “I came here to try and fix things with you. I should have known you haven’t changed. Do you remember that lie you told yourself?” He looked me in the eyes for the first time, searching. “Every night telling us our mother was going to be okay?” I saw pain cross his face and I enjoyed it, I wanted him to hurt. “Even as our mother crumpled, becoming weaker by the day. Even when the doctors told us she had weeks left.”

He looked away. “Please stop.”

“Like how you just stopped talking to your only son?! Do you remember as my mother was lying in a hospital bed dying. You kept lying to us right up until the end. She wasn’t okay. You couldn’t accept that she wasn’t going to make it. And now you can’t accept that you're WRONG!”

He finally stood to his feet, “you broke God’s law! What else was I supposed to do?!” He stepped towards me

I shoved him back and he stumbled as I yelled. “WHERE!? That book, the God you say to worship, preaches love. The church threw me out, you threw me out! The one place that was supposed to be safe, that was supposed to lack judgement tossed me out like garbage. But do you know what Daniel, I have never felt so close to God as the day when I left and decided to never come back. So you know what, both you, and every single one of those people at that mockery you call a church can go to hell!”

His face had turned bright red. He was fuming. “You will not speak to your father that way or about the church you ungrateful brat!”

Suddenly, all at once. I felt that peace took over. The anger washed away from me like a wave on the ocean. “You're not my father, and that place is not a church. Do you know how I know? Because a church, a father, puts love first, even when it’s hard. They put love first, because both forgive like made men, to the point that others call them crazy. They keep care even when others have given up. You gave up on me the first chance you got.”

He seemed shaken by my words, but he still didn’t look any less angry. “NO I DIDN’T! You had a child out of wedlock, not only that you didn’t even marry the woman. My hands were tied.” 

I shook my head. “No they weren’t Daniel. You are no longer my responsibility. As God as my witness. Fixing our relationship is your problem dad, you're the one who broke it. I tried to fix it and you won’t let me. Goodbye.”

I turned around and walked back down the hill. I felt that peace spread across my whole body. I had been holding onto so much regret, anger, disappointment, and I let go of it all.

“Don’t you walk away from me!” He screamed after me. 

I stopped and looked back. “You hold no power over me Daniel. I will not apologize for saying the things I have been thinking for the last ten years. But I need you to know, I forgive you.”

“You forgive me? I haven’t done anything wrong!”

“Yes you have. Someday I hope you realize it too. When you do, I am ready to move forward, I am waiting for you. If you want to know about your granddaughter, and your son. Then just call me, you have my number. Goodbye Daniel.”

He started screaming after me as I went back down the hill and opened the door into the reception hall. I looked around and saw a few of my old friends, they smiled and waved, other people I didn’t know as well, laughing and having fun, and I saw Jesse dancing with Lily. I looked around and felt calm. I smiled as I walked towards my family as I finally let go of the past.